Occasionally I have nightmares about the puffy painted t-shirts and striped, threadbare stirrup pants I wore all the way through 6th grade. Now I hear you can buy stirrup pants from 7 jeans for $168, or from Bebe for $129. Apparently Jennifer Hudson was seen wearing them on the set of the “Sex and the City” movie. They’re the new-old hot thing.

Let’s look at the pros and cons of stirrup pants for a second here, just to make sure we’re giving them a fair shot at being this season’s retro-chic fashion comeback.

Pro

Con

Cowboys need stirrups. Stretch pants do not. (For that matter, do women ever need to wear stretch pants in public?) Stop the madness. End the 80s fashion revival. These pants were not classic then, and they are not any more classic now.

What’s next, the return of scrunchies?

The leprechauns that live in the Internet tubes are back at their old shenanigans. This time proving to us something we probably already suspected: President Bush doesn’t know how to say the president of France’s name. Or the leader of Zimbabwe. Or even the capital of Zimbabwe for that matter.

A copy of Bush’s speech to the U/N. this week found its way onto the Internet, and it was filled with, well, a syllable-by-syllable guide to speaking.

Some of the favorites:

French President Nicolas Sarkozy: sar-KO-zee
Zimbabwe leader Robert Mugabe: moo-GAH-bee
Kyrgyzstan: KEYR-geez-stan
Mauritania: moor-EH-tain-ee-a
Zimbabwe capital Harare: hah-RAR-ray

Bush just doesn’t make Dana Perino’s job easy, does he?

The only reason this one doesn’t get a -10 is that it’s only marginally less appalling than how much President Bush hates poor kids and wants to take away their health insurance entirely. Regardless, a health insurance company once again proved that the industry has no soul when it denied Tonya Gullino of Kansas City coverage for the hospital care she received when she had a miscarriage. Instead, they told Tonya she had had an “elective abortion.” Says Tonya:

I called them and asked why they were denying the entire claim, and was told by Jane, “We do not cover ELECTIVE abortions. If you chose to terminate your pregnancy for non-health threatening reasons, BCBS will not cover it.” WTF!!!??? I asked her, “Are you saying that my records state that I had an ELECTIVE abortion, in an ER at 12 o’clock in the morning?”

Soul-less bastards. People who run health insurance companies with the sole aim of denying people coverage to make a couple extra pennies deserve a fate worse than anything my twisted imagination could possibly create.

For months now when i visit some of my favorite destinations on the Internet, I’ve been accosted by an ass with a smiley face on it.

Yes, many of you know what I’m talking about. And if you’ve ever had the nerve to look the ad in the crack, you’d know that it’s an add for the Toto Washlet—the fanciest toilet/bidet ever created. Of course, if you’re anything like me even seeing the booty in your peripheral vision is like having someone say “panties” a thousand times without stopping.

In order to try to get over my revulsion, i decided to learn more about this product that preys on misplaced fears that toilets aren’t clean (when everyone who has ever read Fast Food Nation knows that there’s more poo in your sink than in your can). This is what I learned. This toilet will let you do the following:

*Get up after defecating, walk into the other room, and then use a remote control to flush once you are at a safe distance.

*Turn driers on your butt and genitals in case you plop some water on yourself or potentially want a sexier bathroom experience.

*Use a “special wand” to shoot water wherever you want.

*Other fancy things that could possibly do with a remote control lid opener and closer.

In case you were wondering, I’m still grossed out.

For those of you who missed The New York Times‘ reportage of Google Earth users’ alarming find, there’s a Navy barracks in San Diego that is shaped like a swastika. What could possibly have been going through the heads of those Navy commanders who signed off on this project?

1. Let’s intimidate those cute buildings next to us with the boxy shape made perfectly for lunch time courtyards and parking lots by pretending that we’re skinheads!

2. This is California! It’s the 60s! Everyone will just think we mean it as the peace symbol swastika thing and not the neo-Nazi swastika thing.

3. Hmm … this model looks like something really familiar, but we just can’t put our finger on it. Eh, whatevs.

No. Somehow I have a hard time believing any of these scenarios. And I’d rather not give them the benefit of the doubt on something like this.

Umm, God as decider of fashion? This program–to train high school girls as modestly dressed models to “emphasize a young woman’s inherent dignity and therefore create in her a desire to dress and act in accordance with that dignity”–is inherently creepy. Their slogan is “Where values and virtues are always in Vogue!” Other gems include:

And some choice fashion guidelines (obviously these are very stylish women):

Shirts

Pants

More Pure Fashion Guidelines

When buying clothes and dressing to express your dignity as a classy young lady:

It’s not like I dress like Britney or Lindsay or anything on a regular basis, but these guidelines are just over-the-top! Talk about letting the virginal ideal permeate your everyday life. They even have an online store that sells Pure Fashion paraphernalia–water bottles, purses, and THANK YOU CARDS FOR RETAILERS WHO SELL PURE FASHION-COMPATIBLE CLOTHING.

I kid you not. This is an affront to all embarrassed and fashion-challenged and awkward high school girls everywhere. It would probably be even more offensive were I actually religious.

Dear Mr. Corley,

Does Think Progress pay you so poorly that you have been forced to work nights as a tax specialist? Or is it the other way around Mr. Cox? Have you been burdened by the woes of the IRS for years and just been waiting for your chance to break into Internet media?

Either way, you are a man with two dreams. And that it something to be admired.

I salute you Mr. Coxley.

Hearts,
Angela Chase

Dear Superficial,

For months now I’ve been waiting for the anticipated-only-by-me redesign of The Superficial. The one that will solidify your corporate identity and make you look more like geekologie and iwatchstuff.

But then it finally happened.

(moment of silence)

After days of pondering now I’ve realized that it’s not you. It’s me. I’ve chosen to ignore the incessant jokes about how hot you think you are and how masculine. I even managed to look over the relatively small number of actual celebrity gossip posts as opposed to just scantily clad women posts. All because you at times hit the perfect level of snarkiness and for whatever reason your page layout makes me feel a lot less dirty than other celebrity gossip blogs.

But, this new design was a big wake-up slap in the face. And by new design I mostly mean the right “So Freaking Hot” sidebar–a notable deviation from the “So Freaking Cool” sidebar on your other sites.

Today was the first day that every single “featured post” wasn’t either random pictures of a hot celebrity in a bikini or random pictures of a hot celebrity in a bikini with comments by you talking about how fat/ugly/deformed she it. And that’s only because Lindsay got arrested. If I really wanted to be hit over the head with bikini-clad celebrities I would just go to idontlikeyouinthatway.

I’m sorry I’ve gotten all my friend addicted to you, superficial, because it’s obvious that our relationship means nothing to you.

Regretfully Yours,
Angela Chase

This guy wrote one of those ridiculously stupid articles that pretend to give women ‘advice’ about men….but in reality just spew sexist crap. In my opinion this is even worse than the Cosmo ones that teach us the best sex techniques, because really the thought of any woman taking personal advice from this tool about anything except how to be a tool is a joke. Let’s take a look at these ‘gems’ of wisdom…

1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It’s not just futile, it’s physically impossible. (Wow…I’ve never heard THAT cliché before.)

2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we’re even dumb enough to admit it. (Jessica Alba sucks. Angelina…now she’s hot.)

3. Don’t ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it. (Another cliché…good work…every woman has a shoe fetish. Good to know.)

4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it. (I’ve ALWAYS been told the opposite…but whatever…maybe hes just too used to looking at his blow-up doll.)

5. Ever notice how we don’t fight with our male friends? That’s why we get so frustrated when we fight with you. (I’m not sure I’d want any guy equating our relationship with their friendships with their guy friends…are we playing video games and drinking beer or you know seeing if we want to build a life together?)

6. You care what you’re wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you’re naked when you open the front door, you won’t hear an argument from us. (Who does this guy date? Someone should tell him that hiring a call-girl and/or stripper isn’t a ‘date’.)

7. You don’t like to get hit on in public, you don’t want to date online and you don’t want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we’re all over it. (I appreciate sarcasm as much as the next girl….but this is doesn’t even make sense. Is that what we’re calling the bar scene these days…”Courting?” Nothing says romance like drinking bottles of miller light in a crowded bar with a couple hundred strangers.)

8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours. (We bring them up because you keep doing them over and over again…stop f*cking up…and we’ll stop bringing it up.)

9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it. (Wait? Where’d my damn apron go…and my hair rollers. Should I clean your apartment too? Whatever. I’ll buy myself some damn flowers.)

10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys! (I thought our relationship was supposed to be just like the ones you have with ‘the guys’? I’m confused. )

11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn’t mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway. (Ha! You’d better keep looking…cause it’s not like they’d talk to you.)

12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend’s a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who’s giving you advice about the jerk.)

As for #12, (I thought it was only 11?) uh…thanks I learned that ‘lesson’ from “Friends” and every single romantic comedy I’ve ever seen.

This guy has a website. You should read it. Apparently he’s “America’s leading dating expert.” It doesn’t say whether or not he’s married….which means he’s probably not. So…women of the world, don’t date Even Marc Katz.

For those travelers searching the globe for the ultimate peeing experience, look no further that Chongqing, China. These crazy kids have developed the ultimate tourist experience–the world’s largest public bathroom, which features 1,000 “innovatively designed” urinals.

That’s right. 1,000 different urinals. Many of which look like open mouths of various female humans and animals. That you go pee in. Just for fun.

Being a woman that respects myself, I find this disturbing on too many levels to even begin iterating here. I’m just waiting for pictures of jackass American tourists peeing to start surfacing on the Internet and hoping that their beyond painful stupidity will ultimately give me the last laugh.