Occasionally I have nightmares about the puffy painted t-shirts and striped, threadbare stirrup pants I wore all the way through 6th grade. Now I hear you can buy stirrup pants from 7 jeans for $168, or from Bebe for $129. Apparently Jennifer Hudson was seen wearing them on the set of the “Sex and the City” movie. They’re the new-old hot thing.
Let’s look at the pros and cons of stirrup pants for a second here, just to make sure we’re giving them a fair shot at being this season’s retro-chic fashion comeback.
Pro
Stirrup helps leggings not ride up your calf–suspenders for the ankles
You’re always ready to rock the side ponytail, oversized sweater, or 80s dance party
Con
Nightmares of elementary school
As with skinny jeans, I must wonder: Who actually looks good in these?
Stirrup pants almost always come with a high waist. And we know what DOA thinks of that.
Cowboys need stirrups. Stretch pants do not. (For that matter, do women ever need to wear stretch pants in public?) Stop the madness. End the 80s fashion revival. These pants were not classic then, and they are not any more classic now.
Legend has it that a group of angry coal miners back in 1827 set fire to the coal field they worked in after a heated argument with their boss. More rational scholars seem to think that the fire probably started after a campfire got out of control.
Either way, this fire has been raging ever since. That’s right, the eternal flame has been going strong for the past 180 years. Until yesterday when it finally died out.
Now that’s some crazy shit.
And for some Tuesday enjoyment I’ve included this picture of a coal miner. Not because it’s relevant, but just because he’s sexy.
*Note: While normally a fire that burns for 180 years would get a perfect 10, the amount of carbon emitted into the atmosphere knocks it down to a +1.
Finally someone takes at the literary hipster scene and tells it like it is: one giant emo-boys-only club on a non-spiritual journey to find their inner selves. Or, as The American Scholar coins it, “something gentle this way comes.”
The American Scholars laments the “neuroses” of these young writers and remembers fondly a time when angst had more to do with living through war, living in poverty, dealing with sexual perversion, and truly dire circumstances than the events that “trigger the ‘Awww’ reflex of narcissistic empathy.”
Sure I loved Everything is Illuminated. I also loved A Heartbreaking Work when i read it back in high school (after reading a profile of Eggers in People magazine), but I also love female protagonists and crisis and feeling overwhelmed by where a story is taking me. I need the “something wicked this way comes,” too. And that’s just not something you’re likely to get from McSweeney’s.
The leprechauns that live in the Internet tubes are back at their old shenanigans. This time proving to us something we probably already suspected: President Bush doesn’t know how to say the president of France’s name. Or the leader of Zimbabwe. Or even the capital of Zimbabwe for that matter.
A copy of Bush’s speech to the U/N. this week found its way onto the Internet, and it was filled with, well, a syllable-by-syllable guide to speaking.
Some of the favorites:
French President Nicolas Sarkozy: sar-KO-zee
Zimbabwe leader Robert Mugabe: moo-GAH-bee
Kyrgyzstan: KEYR-geez-stan
Mauritania: moor-EH-tain-ee-a
Zimbabwe capital Harare: hah-RAR-ray
Bush just doesn’t make Dana Perino’s job easy, does he?
The only reason this one doesn’t get a -10 is that it’s only marginally less appalling than how much President Bush hates poor kids and wants to take away their health insurance entirely. Regardless, a health insurance company once again proved that the industry has no soul when it denied Tonya Gullino of Kansas City coverage for the hospital care she received when she had a miscarriage. Instead, they told Tonya she had had an “elective abortion.” Says Tonya:
I called them and asked why they were denying the entire claim, and was told by Jane, “We do not cover ELECTIVE abortions. If you chose to terminate your pregnancy for non-health threatening reasons, BCBS will not cover it.” WTF!!!??? I asked her, “Are you saying that my records state that I had an ELECTIVE abortion, in an ER at 12 o’clock in the morning?”
Soul-less bastards. People who run health insurance companies with the sole aim of denying people coverage to make a couple extra pennies deserve a fate worse than anything my twisted imagination could possibly create.
For months now when i visit some of my favorite destinations on the Internet, I’ve been accosted by an ass with a smiley face on it.
Yes, many of you know what I’m talking about. And if you’ve ever had the nerve to look the ad in the crack, you’d know that it’s an add for the Toto Washlet—the fanciest toilet/bidet ever created. Of course, if you’re anything like me even seeing the booty in your peripheral vision is like having someone say “panties” a thousand times without stopping.
In order to try to get over my revulsion, i decided to learn more about this product that preys on misplaced fears that toilets aren’t clean (when everyone who has ever read Fast Food Nation knows that there’s more poo in your sink than in your can). This is what I learned. This toilet will let you do the following:
*Get up after defecating, walk into the other room, and then use a remote control to flush once you are at a safe distance.
*Turn driers on your butt and genitals in case you plop some water on yourself or potentially want a sexier bathroom experience.
*Use a “special wand” to shoot water wherever you want.
*Other fancy things that could possibly do with a remote control lid opener and closer.
In case you were wondering, I’m still grossed out.
For those of you who missed The New York Times‘ reportage of Google Earth users’ alarming find, there’s a Navy barracks in San Diego that is shaped like a swastika. What could possibly have been going through the heads of those Navy commanders who signed off on this project?
1. Let’s intimidate those cute buildings next to us with the boxy shape made perfectly for lunch time courtyards and parking lots by pretending that we’re skinheads!
Did you ever watch Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and think: Wow, Dan Marino is a damn fine actor. Well, maybe not. But then again, you probably never thought that while watching David Hasselhoff on Baywatch or Jeckyll & Hyde the made-for-TV musical either.
And there’s a reason for that.
Dan Marino and David Hasselhoff are actually the same person. Ever wonder why “David” was in such good shape all the time? Well, that’s just the life of a quarterback/actor.
Luckily Weekly World News is off the shelves or I suspect they would have scooped me on this one weeks ago.
Umm, God as decider of fashion? This program–to train high school girls as modestly dressed models to “emphasize a young woman’s inherent dignity and therefore create in her a desire to dress and act in accordance with that dignity”–is inherently creepy. Their slogan is “Where values and virtues are always in Vogue!” Other gems include:
virtue is the most important must have for every season.
being healthy, physically fit, clean and well groomed is always in style.
our bodies are holy and sacred and our clothing should not reveal what should be concealed.
And some choice fashion guidelines (obviously these are very stylish women): Shirts
the backs [of shirts] should be modest i.e.: no strappy backs, halter or missing backs — Tank tops should not be modeled without a shirt, jacket, or sweater over them
the neck line should be no lower than 4 fingers below collar bone
no very thin or sheer material
may not be too tight in the bust area
should not allow the shape of bra to be seen in the back (if you can it’s too tight)
can not be spandex or very tight shirts
Pants
should not be too tight, especially in the seat or the thigh area
should fit well, but not be “skin-tight”, one should be able to pull them away from the leg
shorts should be modest- no very short and/or tight shorts; if you put your arms down straight at the side, and the bottom of the shorts is higher than your longest finger, then the shorts are too short. (Remember, we will be on an elevated runway and everything will look a bit shorter to the audience.)
take care to make sure there are no “panty lines” on stage. If necessary, wear pantyhose or a “thigh shaper” to hold everything in and create a smooth appearance in your clothing.
More Pure Fashion Guidelines
When buying clothes and dressing to express your dignity as a classy young lady:
Remember that you live in many different positions, even if you are not in yoga class! You sit, stand, lean over, climb up stairs with people behind you, and sit at tables facing speakers, bosses or teachers. How do your clothes or lack of clothes appear to the people who are next to you, above you and below you in all your daily positions?
Blouses and shirts that are too loose can be as immodest as tight ones. If the neckline droops from your body when you bend over, guess what everyone can see? The body parts that your blouse was designed to cover! If the armpit is too loose, think about the view of the guy standing next to you - right to the inside!
Blouses that button sometimes have see through gaps between the buttons, so consider if there is a side view to the inside, this may not be the blouse to buy or wear. Or is it too tight and comes unbuttoned easily? You may need to wear a full slip or tank top underneath.
Lift your arms up over your head when you look in the mirror. Does your back or belly show? If so, you need a longer look or a layer underneath.
If you wear a skirt that is too short and go up stairs at work, church or school, guess what shows to the people behind you on the stairs? Then what else happens when you sit down? The skirt rides up and your upper thighs are exposed, or worse yet, your underwear can be seen.
Let your clothes be an advertisement of your dignity as a young lady. If you’re dressed like a young lady, you’re more likely to act like a young lady.
It’s not like I dress like Britney or Lindsay or anything on a regular basis, but these guidelines are just over-the-top! Talk about letting the virginal ideal permeate your everyday life. They even have an online store that sells Pure Fashion paraphernalia–water bottles, purses, and THANK YOU CARDS FOR RETAILERS WHO SELL PURE FASHION-COMPATIBLE CLOTHING.
I kid you not. This is an affront to all embarrassed and fashion-challenged and awkward high school girls everywhere. It would probably be even more offensive were I actually religious.
Does Think Progress pay you so poorly that you have been forced to work nights as a tax specialist? Or is it the other way around Mr. Cox? Have you been burdened by the woes of the IRS for years and just been waiting for your chance to break into Internet media?
Either way, you are a man with two dreams. And that it something to be admired.
Legend has it that a group of angry coal miners back in 1827 set fire to the coal field they worked in after a heated argument with their boss. More rational scholars seem to think that the fire probably started after a campfire got out of control.
Finally someone takes at the literary hipster scene and tells it like it is: one giant emo-boys-only club on a non-spiritual journey to find their inner selves. Or, as 
The leprechauns that live in the Internet tubes are back at their old shenanigans. This time proving to us something we probably already suspected: President Bush doesn’t know how to say the president of France’s name. Or the leader of Zimbabwe. Or even the capital of Zimbabwe for that matter.
For months now when i visit some of my 
